I want to make a zoo with you.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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