I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
