Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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