Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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