I haven't been this sober since birth.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
