Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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