she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
