Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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