I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
