I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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