elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
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