If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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