I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
