2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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