you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
