Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
