I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
