dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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