I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Randomize
