drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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