So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
