U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Randomize
