You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
