it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
