you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I can't turn off my feet"
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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