I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
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