I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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