i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Randomize
