hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
