thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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