Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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