how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
