She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
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