she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
