I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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