i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Randomize