girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
