if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
