I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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