Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
