Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
