I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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