So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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