new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
