i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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