I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Randomize
