I wanna bring you to show and tell
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
