If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Can I color on your dick again?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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