It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Randomize
