and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
