I cockslap morals
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
last night I used snow as a chaser
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize