I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
