how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize