First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
