guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
