why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
