just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I had to cum in my sink.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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