I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
