it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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