So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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