Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
