What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize