Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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