a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I need a burrito and a hug.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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